When TV Turns Curiosity Into Biphobia: A “90 Day: Hunt for Love” Moment Worth Pausing On

When Reality TV Normalizes Biphobia

On the latest episode of 90 Day: Hunt for Love, cast members were asked whether they’d be “okay” if a partner had previously had sex with someone of the same gender. It made for buzzy TV—but it also quietly modeled how biphobia gets normalized in dating.

The subtext of the question is clear: same-gender history is a red flag. That framing doesn’t simply “start a conversation”; it conditions viewers to treat bisexuality—or really, any non-monosexual past—as something suspicious.

This isn’t just theory. Research shows bisexual people face unique stigma, not only from straight communities but also within gay and lesbian spaces. Dating studies consistently find people less willing to date someone who is bi—especially bi men. Those patterns mirror familiar stereotypes: “secretly gay,” “can’t be faithful,” “never satisfied.” These aren’t “preferences.” They’re prejudice disguised as practicality.

And media matters. Reality TV has the power to either interrupt bias or reinforce it. GLAAD’s Accelerating Acceptance report shows that inclusive, accurate portrayals of LGBTQ+ people actually increase comfort among non-LGBTQ viewers. But with anti-LGBTQ rhetoric rising, these moments on screen carry more weight than ever.

Take Tiffany’s response in the episode:

“I have no problem with it, but for me... if I know they’re into both men and women, it’s just a no. I need someone who’s all about women, all about me.”

It’s a perfect snapshot of how biphobia shows up in everyday dating.

How Biphobia Sneaks into Dating

1. Identity gets reduced to a “comfort test.”
   A meaningful part of someone’s identity is recast as a red flag to tolerate or reject, rather than a lived story to understand.

2. Stereotypes get coded as “preferences.”
   Saying “it’s just a no” to someone who is into more than one gender isn’t about compatibility—it’s about discomfort with nonmonosexuality.

A Better Way to Frame the Real Question

The issue isn’t whether a partner has ever had same-gender sex. The real questions are:

• What does commitment look like for us?

• How do we define honesty and trust?

• How do we approach sexual health—STI testing, monogamy agreements, attraction—without shame or accusation?

Prompts That Move Couples Forward

• What are our agreements about monogamy or consensual non-monogamy, and how will we revisit them?

• How do we talk about attraction in a way that builds connection instead of fear?

• What STI testing cadence feels right for both of us—and how can we make it a routine act of care, not suspicion?

Kink as Healing: When It Helps and When It's Harmful

For many people, kink is more than just a way to explore pleasure—it can be a powerful tool for self-discovery, healing, and even trauma processing. Whether it's reclaiming control, rewriting painful narratives, or connecting more deeply with oneself and others, kink can offer a unique path toward psychological growth. But not all kink is healing, and it’s important to know the difference between conscious exploration and unconscious reenactment of trauma.

Let’s explore both sides of the coin: how kink can help, and when it might be hurting more than helping.

How Kink Can Be Healing

1. Reclaiming Agency and Control
For those who’ve experienced powerlessness—such as survivors of abuse or trauma—consensual power exchange can offer a way to take back control on their terms. Whether you’re topping or bottoming, negotiating a scene creates space for autonomy, choice, and boundaries. Saying "yes" and "no" with clarity and being heard can be deeply reparative.

2. Playing With Power in a Safe Container
Kink allows people to consciously engage with dynamics that may have once felt threatening. For example, consensually exploring dominance and submission, restraint, or even role-play involving fear or shame can give someone a sense of mastery over what used to overwhelm them. With a trusted partner and aftercare, these experiences can reduce the emotional charge of past wounds.

3. Rewriting the Story
Trauma can freeze us in time. Through kink, some people are able to symbolically rewrite the script. If someone was silenced in their past, they might explore consensual objectification in a way that gives them a voice behind the scenes: scripting the scene, using safe words, and calling the shots.

4. Deepened Connection
Many kink practices require high levels of communication, trust, and vulnerability—qualities that foster emotional intimacy. When done thoughtfully, kink can be a bonding experience that helps heal relational wounds.

When Kink Isn’t Helping: Signs of Trauma Reenactment

While kink can be therapeutic, it’s not therapy—and it’s not always healing. Sometimes, people are drawn to certain dynamics or behaviors not to process trauma, but to replay it in ways that reinforce harm or numb emotion.

Here are signs that kink might be a reenactment, not a release:

1. You Feel Compelled, Not Curious
If you’re engaging in scenes or dynamics that feel more like a compulsion than a choice, that may be a red flag. Healing kink usually comes with a sense of agency. Trauma reenactment often feels driven, automatic, or difficult to stop—even when it hurts.

2. The Aftermath Feels Worse
After a scene, do you feel grounded and cared for, or do you feel shame, confusion, or emotionally flooded? While drop is real and common, persistent feelings of disconnection or distress could indicate the scene echoed trauma rather than transformed it.

3. Boundaries Feel Blurry or Nonexistent
In healthy kink, limits are honored. If you or your partner are consistently overriding your own boundaries, ignoring red flags, or neglecting negotiation and aftercare, you may be recreating an environment of harm rather than healing.

4. You’re Avoiding the Underlying Pain
Sometimes kink can become a coping mechanism—one that distracts from pain rather than helps you process it. If you’re using kink to avoid feelings, rather than explore them safely and intentionally, it may be worth unpacking what’s underneath with a therapist.

How to Stay Grounded in Healing Kink

• Get Curious: Ask yourself what you're drawn to and why. What emotions come up before, during, and after scenes?

• Talk It Out: A kink-affirming therapist can help you explore whether your practices feel like healing or harm—and how to tell the difference.

• Prioritize Consent and Communication: Intentional negotiation, clear boundaries, and safe words are not just safety tools—they're acts of care.

• Practice Aftercare: Emotional processing doesn’t stop when the scene ends. Build in time to connect, regulate, and reflect.

• Stay Open to Change: What felt healing at one time might not always serve you. Your relationship to kink can evolve—and that’s okay.

Final Thoughts

Kink can be a beautiful way to reclaim your body, your story, and your sense of self. It can also be a way we unconsciously relive wounds. The difference lies in awareness, intention, and support. You don’t have to choose between kink and healing—you can have both.

If you’re interested in exploring this more, I work with clients who are navigating trauma, identity, and kink in affirming, shame-free ways. Whether you’re curious about how your desires connect to your past, or you want to deepen your relationship with yourself through conscious play, you don’t have to do it alone.

What the Media Gets Right—and Wrong—About OCD

OCD has been a pop culture buzzword for decades. From quirky characters on TV to influencers casually diagnosing themselves on TikTok, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder has been both spotlighted and misunderstood. As a psychologist who specializes in OCD, I often see how these portrayals shape what people believe—and misbelieve—about this very real and often painful condition.

Let’s break down what the media gets right, where it misses the mark, and why it matters.

What the Media Sometimes Gets Right

1. OCD Involves Repetitive Behaviors (But There's More to It)

   • Shows like Monk or The Big Bang Theory highlight ritualistic behaviors and a need for order. While exaggerated, these depictions do show how compulsions can take over a person’s life.

2. It’s Not Just About Cleanliness

   • Some stories have started to explore harm OCD, checking, or intrusive thoughts, especially in online communities. This reflects the growing awareness that OCD can show up in many forms—not just as a “neat freak” stereotype.

3. It Can Be Debilitating

   • The emotional distress some characters feel when their rituals are disrupted can give a glimpse into how exhausting OCD really is. When done thoughtfully, this helps reduce stigma and increase empathy.

What the Media Gets Wrong

1. “I’m So OCD” ≠ OCD

   • Being tidy, liking color-coded closets, or double-checking your email doesn't mean you have OCD. The disorder is not a personality quirk—it’s a chronic condition that causes real suffering. Using “OCD” as shorthand for being detail-oriented trivializes what people with OCD actually go through.

2. Ignoring the “O” in OCD

   • Media often skips over obsessions—those intrusive, distressing thoughts or mental images that drive compulsions. These are the heart of the disorder. Without them, it’s not OCD, it’s just a habit or preference.

3. Characters with OCD Are Often One-Dimensional

   • People with OCD are typically portrayed as eccentric, uptight, or overly cautious—and that’s where the character development ends. This flat representation misses the reality that OCD doesn’t exist in a vacuum. When OCD is reduced to a single trait, it dehumanizes people and reinforces stigma instead of fostering understanding.

4. Compulsions Are Shown Only as Visible Behaviors

   • Most media focuses on external rituals—hand washing, checking, arranging. But many compulsions are completely internal: mental reviewing, counting, repeating phrases in your head, mentally neutralizing "bad" thoughts, or constantly seeking certainty. These mental rituals are just as disruptive and painful, but often go unrecognized—even by some therapists. Ignoring mental compulsions leads to underdiagnosis and can make people feel even more alone in their experience.

Why Accurate Representation Matters

The way OCD is portrayed affects real people. It shapes how friends, partners, and even healthcare providers respond when someone opens up about their symptoms. When media oversimplifies OCD or focuses only on visible compulsions, it can reinforce the belief that OCD has to “look a certain way” to be real.

This has real consequences in therapy. Many of my clients were misdiagnosed for years—not because their symptoms weren’t severe, but because their OCD didn’t fit the stereotype. They were told their intrusive thoughts were signs of unresolved trauma, suppressed identity, or even personality disorders. Others were mistakenly reassured, encouraged to “trust their gut,” or told their fears were valid and worth acting on—all of which accidentally reinforced their OCD cycle.

Even well-meaning therapists can miss the mark without proper training. And when OCD is misdiagnosed, it delays access to evidence-based treatment and deepens the shame many clients already feel.

If You’re Struggling, You’re Not Alone

If you’re living with OCD—whether your thoughts revolve around contamination, harm, sexuality, relationships, or something else that feels too weird or shameful to say out loud—it’s not your fault, and it is treatable.

At Beyond Labels Psychotherapy, I offer individual therapy and a weekly OCD group that blends Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Inference-Based CBT (I-CBT).

If you're ready to feel seen, understood, and supported—whether for the first time or after a string of invalidating experiences—reach out. You don’t have to keep it hidden or fight it alone.

Torn Between Chaos and Control: When OCD and ADHD Coexist

Imagine a brain that won’t stop looping distressing thoughts... and also struggles to stay focused long enough to finish a simple task. It might sound contradictory, but for people living with both Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), this is daily life.

While these two conditions seem like opposites—one marked by rigidity and control, the other by impulsivity and inattention—they often show up together. And when they do, the experience can be deeply confusing, especially when treatment is only targeting one part of the picture.

OCD vs. ADHD: Opposites… or Overlapping?

Let’s start with the basics.

• OCD is an anxiety disorder driven by intrusive thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors or mental acts (compulsions) meant to reduce distress or prevent feared outcomes.

• ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects executive functioning—things like focus, planning, working memory, and emotional regulation.

Here’s the twist: Both conditions involve difficulties with regulation. They just show up in very different ways.

• In OCD, the brain gets stuck—looping thoughts, rituals, and fears.

• In ADHD, the brain skips around—jumping from one thing to the next without finishing.

For someone living with both, it can feel like being mentally trapped and mentally chaotic at the same time. This internal push-pull is exhausting—and can leave people wondering what’s wrong with them when nothing seems to fit.

Signs You Might Be Dealing with Both

Because OCD and ADHD can mask or mimic each other, they’re often missed in assessments—or misdiagnosed altogether. Here are some common signs that both may be at play:

• Difficulty following through on compulsions due to inattention or forgetfulness

• Feeling torn between obsessively needing to “get it right” and impulsively rushing through tasks

• Trouble sticking with ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) or therapy homework because of ADHD-related avoidance or disorganization

• Rumination over “mistakes,” real or imagined—especially when executive functioning issues lead to actual consequences

When OCD Becomes a Coping Strategy for ADHD

For many people, OCD rituals start to feel like a way to manage their ADHD—especially if they’ve spent years being criticized for forgetfulness, lateness, or “careless” mistakes. Compulsions can offer a (false) sense of control in a brain that often feels out of control.

This can lead to a fear that treating OCD will make things worse.

“If I stop checking everything five times, I will make a mistake.”
“If I don’t obsessively plan, I’ll forget something important.”
“My OCD is the only thing keeping me functional.”

In these cases, OCD becomes a compensatory strategy—one that’s anxiety-driven and unsustainable, but also deeply tied to a fear of ADHD-related failure. That fear is real, and it deserves attention in treatment.

Treating OCD and ADHD Together

When both conditions are present, therapy needs to be flexible, compassionate, and strategic.

• ADHD treatment (like structure, medication, or behavior strategies) can help—but sometimes fuels compulsions if not monitored.

• OCD treatment (like ERP or ICBT) is essential—but may need to be adapted for brains that struggle with follow-through, focus, or internal motivation.

As a therapist who specializes in both OCD and ADHD, here are a few strategies I use in my work:

• Incorporating visual reminders, timers, and external cues for exposure tasks

• Breaking therapy goals into small, achievable steps

• Helping clients differentiate between OCD-related guilt and ADHD-related forgetfulness

• Validating the distress while untangling what’s driven by anxiety vs. executive dysfunction

• Supporting clients through the fear of losing their coping mechanisms as OCD treatment begins

This is where self-compassion becomes just as important as any skill or tool.

You’re Not “Too Much.” You’re Not Alone.

OCD and ADHD can make the world feel like a maze with no map. You might feel like you’re always behind, constantly second-guessing, or trying to do things “right” without knowing what that even means anymore.

But you’re not broken. You’re navigating a brain that processes the world differently—and it’s possible to build skills, find relief, and move forward without having to choose between chaos and control.

Looking for an OCD and ADHD-Affirming Therapist?

I specialize in working with people who live at the intersection of OCD and ADHD. Whether you're struggling with compulsions, attention challenges, or both, therapy can help you build clarity, flexibility, and self-compassion.

So... What Even Is a Top?

If you’re part of queer spaces long enough, you’ll hear terms like top, bottom, switch, stone, service top, and more. But what does “top” actually mean—especially in sapphic relationships?

At its core, being a top often means you like to take the lead when it comes to giving pleasure. That might mean initiating, using hands/strap-ons/toys, or just being the more active partner in bed. But it’s not just about sex—it can reflect a vibe, a caretaking energy, or a desire to be of service (yes, even emotionally).

It’s Not About Gender or Presentation

You can be a femme top, a butch bottom, or anything in between. Your energy, preferences, and emotional connection matter way more than what you look like or how you dress.

It’s Also Not That Deep… Until It Is

Some folks strongly identify as tops. Others are like “meh, depends on the mood.” (Hi, switches.) It’s all valid. These roles aren’t rules—they’re tools for better understanding ourselves and our partners. The key? Communicate, check in, and don’t assume based on appearances.

Tops Make It About You (In a Good Way)

A good top is attuned, responsive, and generous. They’re not about power or ego—they’re about pleasure. Yours. And they’re usually pretty into that.

Want to dive deeper into your own dynamic? Whether you’re exploring new relationship roles or unlearning shame around pleasure, there’s space for all of it in therapy. Reach out if you want to talk more.

Navigating Gottman's Four Horsemen

Relationships can be tricky, and sometimes, we unknowingly adopt behaviors that harm our connection with our partners. Dr. John Gottman identified four such behaviors, aptly named the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Understanding these behaviors and learning how to counteract them can make a world of difference in your relationship. Let’s dive in!

1. Criticism

What It Is:

Criticism involves attacking your partner's character instead of focusing on specific issues. This often starts with phrases like "You always" or "You never," making your partner feel attacked.

Example:

"You're so lazy! You never help around the house."

Impact:

Repeated criticism can chip away at your partner's self-esteem and foster resentment.

Counteract Criticism:

• Use "I" Statements: Express your feelings without blame. Try, "I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy. Can we tackle it together?"

2. Contempt

What It Is:

Contempt is the nastiest of the Four Horsemen. It involves belittling your partner through sarcasm, mockery, or hostile humor.

Example:

"Oh, you're tired? Try doing what I do every day. You're pathetic."

Impact:

Contempt erodes respect and is a strong predictor of relationship breakdown.

Counteract Contempt:

• Build a Culture of Appreciation: Regularly express gratitude and focus on positive interactions.

3. Defensiveness

What It Is:

Defensiveness involves denying responsibility and making excuses when faced with criticism.

Example:

"Why are you mad at me for being late? You didn’t remind me about the time!"

Impact:

Defensiveness blocks effective communication and keeps conflicts unresolved.

Counteract Defensiveness:

• Take Responsibility: Accept your part in the issue. For example, "You're right, I should have managed my time better."

4. Stonewalling

What It Is:

Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws and stops responding, often due to feeling overwhelmed.

Example:

During an argument, one partner suddenly goes silent and refuses to engage.

Impact:

Stonewalling creates emotional distance and prevents resolution.

Counteract Stonewalling:

• Practice Self-Soothing: Take a break to calm down. Let your partner know you need a moment: "I need a few minutes to cool down. Let’s talk in 20 minutes."

Recognizing and addressing the Four Horsemen can transform your relationship. By replacing criticism with constructive feedback, contempt with appreciation, defensiveness with accountability, and stonewalling with self-soothing, you can build a stronger, more resilient connection.

If you notice these behaviors in your relationship, therapy can provide the support and tools needed to overcome them.

The Ultimate Guide to Fingering: Tips and Techniques for Better Pleasure

Let’s talk about fingering! It's often an overlooked yet incredibly intimate and pleasurable form of sexual activity. Whether you’re a newbie or looking to enhance your skills, this guide will provide you with tips and techniques to make fingering an unforgettable experience for both you and your partner.

Why Fingering Matters

Fingering isn't just foreplay; it can be the main event. It’s a versatile act that allows for deep connection and exploration. Plus, it’s an excellent way to learn about your partner’s body and discover what makes them tick. Understanding how to use your hands effectively can elevate your sexual repertoire and create more satisfying experiences.

Setting the Mood

Before diving into the technicalities, setting the right mood is crucial. Here are some tips:

1. Communicate: Talk with your partner about their preferences and boundaries. Consent is key.

2. Create a Comfortable Environment: Dim the lights, play some soft music, and ensure the room is warm and inviting.

3. Foreplay: Start with kissing, touching, and caressing to build arousal.

Basic Techniques

Let’s get into some fundamental techniques that can make fingering enjoyable and effective.

1. Start Slow: Begin with gentle touches around the thighs and lower abdomen. Build anticipation.

2. Explore the Vulva: Use your fingers to gently stroke the labia, clitoris, and vaginal opening. Vary the pressure and speed.

3. Find the G-Spot: Curl your fingers in a "come hither" motion about 2-3 inches inside the vagina on the front wall. This area can be highly sensitive and pleasurable for many people.

Advanced Techniques

Ready to take things up a notch? Here are some advanced techniques to try:

1. Circular Motions: Use your fingers to make circular motions around the clitoris or G-spot. This can provide continuous stimulation and increase pleasure.

2. Changing Speeds and Pressure: Vary your speed and pressure to keep things exciting. Pay attention to your partner’s reactions and adjust accordingly.

3. Multi-Finger Play: Incorporate more fingers to increase the sensation. You can also use one hand for internal stimulation while the other hand stimulates the clitoris or other erogenous zones.

Using Lubricants

Lubrication is crucial for a comfortable and pleasurable experience. Natural lubrication may not always be enough, so consider using a water-based lubricant to enhance the sensation and prevent discomfort.

Listening to Your Partner

The most important aspect of fingering (or any sexual activity) is communication and responsiveness. Pay attention to your partner’s body language, sounds, and verbal feedback. Don’t be afraid to ask them what feels good and what they’d like more of.

Aftercare

Aftercare is an essential part of any sexual experience. Take time to cuddle, talk, and ensure your partner feels comfortable and appreciated. This can strengthen your bond and make future encounters even more enjoyable.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

To ensure a positive experience, avoid these common mistakes:

1. Ignoring Lubrication: Always use enough lubrication to prevent discomfort.

2. Rushing: Take your time. Build up the intensity slowly.

3. Neglecting Communication: Keep the lines of communication open. Ask for feedback and be responsive to your partner’s needs.

Conclusion

Fingering can be a deeply satisfying and intimate experience when done with care and attention. By using the tips and techniques outlined in this guide, you can enhance your skills and create more pleasurable encounters for you and your partner. Remember, the key to great fingering is communication, patience, and a willingness to explore and learn together.

Ready to elevate your sexual experiences? Give these techniques a try and discover the incredible pleasure that effective fingering can bring!

How Sex Therapy Can Improve Relationships

Introduction

Hey there, lovebirds! Ever feel like your relationship could use a little extra spice? Or maybe you're navigating some choppy waters in the bedroom? Fear not! Sex therapy might just be the magic ingredient your relationship needs. Let's dive into how this specialized form of therapy can transform your love life and strengthen your bond.

Understanding Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is like relationship boot camp but with way more fun homework. It focuses on addressing sexual concerns and improving sexual health. Think of it as a safe, judgment-free zone where you and your partner can explore your sexual issues with the guidance of a trained therapist. The aim? To enhance sexual satisfaction, resolve any pesky dysfunctions, and boost your overall relationship vibes.

Common Issues Addressed in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy can tackle a bunch of different issues, including:

1. Desire Discrepancies: One partner's ready to go, while the other is not in the mood? Sex therapy helps you find that sweet spot where both of you are happy and satisfied.

2. Sexual Dysfunction: From erectile dysfunction to premature ejaculation and vaginal pain, sex therapy has got you covered. Therapists offer practical tips and techniques to get things working smoothly again.

3. Communication Problems: Talking about sex can be awkward, but it's crucial. Sex therapy teaches you how to chat about your desires, boundaries, and concerns without turning fifty shades of red.

4. Intimacy Issues: Emotional and physical intimacy go hand in hand. Sex therapy helps you and your partner reconnect and build a deeper, more meaningful bond.

5. Past Trauma: Sexual trauma can cast a long shadow. Sex therapists provide a supportive space to process these experiences and move towards healing.

Benefits of Sex Therapy

So, what can sex therapy do for you? A lot, actually! Here are some of the benefits:

1. Enhanced Communication: Learn to talk about your needs and desires openly, leading to better understanding and a stronger connection.

2. Increased Intimacy: By addressing sexual concerns, sex therapy helps you and your partner rebuild and deepen your intimacy.

3. Greater Sexual Satisfaction: Overcome sexual issues and discover new techniques to improve your sex life, leading to happier, more fulfilled partners.

4. Better Conflict Resolution: Gain tools and strategies for resolving conflicts, reducing tension, and fostering harmony in your relationship.

5. Healing from Trauma: For those who've experienced sexual trauma, sex therapy offers a path to healing and healthier sexual relationships.

Conclusion

Sex therapy isn't just for couples in crisis—it's for anyone looking to improve their sexual connection and overall relationship satisfaction. Whether you're dealing with desire discrepancies, sexual dysfunction, or just want to spice things up, sex therapy can be a game-changer. So why not give it a try? Your relationship might just thank you for it!

Remember, a happier, healthier relationship is just a conversation away. Ready to dive in? Let's make it happen!

Embracing Consensual Non-Monogamy: The Guide to Open Relationships

Introduction

Ready to spice up your love life and break free from traditional relationship norms? Welcome to the world of consensual non-monogamy (CNM)! Think of it as a colorful spectrum of relationship styles where you can love and be loved by more than one person—with everyone's enthusiastic consent, of course. Let’s dive into this exciting and sex-positive adventure, exploring what CNM is all about, the different flavors it comes in, and some handy tips for making it work.

What Is Consensual Non-Monogamy?

Consensual non-monogamy means being in relationships where everyone knows about and agrees to having multiple partners. Unlike cheating, which is all cloak-and-dagger, CNM is all about transparency, honesty, and a whole lot of love.

Flavors of Consensual Non-Monogamy

CNM isn't a one-size-fits-all deal. Here are some of the fabulous forms it can take:

1. Polyamory: Think of it as having a few heartstrings to your bow. You get to have multiple romantic relationships, and everyone’s in the loop.

2. Open Relationships: You’ve got your main squeeze, but there’s room for some fun on the side. It’s more about sexual exploration than forming new romantic bonds.

3. Swinging: Couples who play together, stay together! Swinging involves getting your groove on with other couples or singles, often at parties or clubs. It’s all about the recreational sex.

4. Relationship Anarchy: Forget the rules and hierarchies! Relationship anarchists love freely, without predefined structures, letting each connection be unique.

Why CNM Rocks

Jumping into CNM can be a total game-changer. Here’s why:

1. Personal Growth: Navigating multiple relationships helps you grow emotionally and become a better communicator.

2. Enhanced Communication: You’ll become a pro at talking things out, leading to healthier, more honest relationships.

3. Diverse Connections: You get to enjoy different types of connections and fulfill various emotional and physical needs.

4. Increased Satisfaction: More love, more joy. What’s not to like?

Challenges and How to Tackle Them

Like any relationship style, CNM has its hurdles. Here’s how to clear them:

1. Jealousy: Yep, it happens. Keep talking and be honest about your feelings. Remember, it’s all part of the journey.

2. Time Management: Juggling multiple relationships can be tricky. Keep a calendar handy and prioritize your time.

3. Social Stigma: Not everyone will get it. Build a support network of like-minded folks who do.

4. Emotional Labor: Managing multiple relationships can be emotionally demanding. Self-care is key!

Tips for Rocking Consensual Non-Monogamy

Ready to dive in? Here are some tips for making CNM a joyful and fulfilling experience:

1. Open Communication: Lay it all out there. Be honest about your needs, boundaries, and expectations. Regular check-ins can keep everything smooth.

2. Establish Boundaries: Set clear agreements and stick to them. Discuss safer sex practices and emotional boundaries upfront.

3. Prioritize Consent: Consent is sexy! Make sure everyone involved is fully informed and on board.

4. Educate Yourself: Knowledge is power. Read up, attend workshops, and connect with CNM communities online.

5. Seek Support: A good therapist who gets CNM can be a lifesaver for navigating the ups and downs.

Conclusion

Consensual non-monogamy is a vibrant, exciting way to approach relationships. By embracing multiple connections with honesty and respect, you can create a rich, fulfilling love life that suits your unique needs. Whether you're curious about dipping a toe into CNM or ready to dive in headfirst, remember that communication, consent, and a sex-positive attitude are your best allies.

So, why not give it a whirl? Your heart has room for more love than you might think!

Exploring Shibari: The Art of Japanese Rope Bondage

Shibari, the traditional Japanese art of rope bondage, is a beautiful and intricate practice that combines aesthetics, intimacy, and trust. Far beyond just a means of restraint, shibari can be a powerful form of artistic expression and a deeply connective experience between partners. In this blog, we'll delve into the history, techniques, and safety considerations of shibari, helping you explore this fascinating practice.

A Brief History of Shibari

Shibari, which translates to "to tie" or "to bind," has its roots in Hojojutsu, an ancient martial art used by Samurai to restrain prisoners. Over time, the practice evolved into an erotic art form, emphasizing the beauty of the human body and the intricate patterns created by the ropes. Today, shibari is celebrated worldwide for its artistic and intimate qualities.

The Essentials of Shibari

Before you dive into the world of shibari, it's important to understand the basics:

1. Ropes: Traditional shibari uses natural fiber ropes like jute or hemp, which provide the right balance of flexibility and grip. These ropes are usually 6-8 meters in length and 5-6 millimeters in diameter.

2. Safety Scissors: Always have a pair of safety scissors or a cutting tool nearby in case you need to quickly release your partner.

3. Communication: Clear and open communication with your partner is crucial. Discuss boundaries, preferences, and establish a safe word before you begin.

Basic Techniques and Patterns

Shibari involves various techniques and patterns, ranging from simple ties to complex harnesses. Here are a few basic ones to get you started:

1. Single Column Tie: This is a foundational tie used to secure a single limb or object. It's simple, effective, and serves as the building block for more complex ties.

2. Double Column Tie: Used to bind two limbs together, such as wrists or ankles. This tie provides more security and can be incorporated into various positions.

3. Chest Harness: Also known as a "shinju" or "karada," this harness wraps around the torso, accentuating the body’s curves and providing a strong base for further ties.

4. Futomomo: This tie binds the calf to the thigh, creating a bent leg position. It's both visually striking and restrictive, adding to the sensation of being bound.

The Aesthetic and Sensory Experience

Shibari is not just about the physical act of tying; it’s about the aesthetic and sensory experience it creates. The intricate patterns and tension of the ropes against the skin can be both visually stunning and deeply stimulating. The process of tying and being tied can enhance trust, intimacy, and communication between partners.

Safety Considerations

While shibari can be incredibly rewarding, safety is paramount. Here are some key considerations:

1. Circulation and Nerve Safety: Avoid tying too tightly or placing ropes directly over joints, major blood vessels, or nerves. Check for signs of poor circulation, such as tingling, numbness, or discoloration.

2. Regular Check-ins: Maintain constant communication with your partner. Regularly check in to ensure they are comfortable and feeling safe.

3. Education and Practice: Take the time to educate yourself about shibari through classes, workshops, or reputable online resources. Practice ties on yourself or inanimate objects before applying them to a partner.

Conclusion

Shibari is a captivating blend of art, intimacy, and connection. By learning and practicing this ancient art form, you can enhance your sexual repertoire and deepen your relationship with your partner. Remember to prioritize safety, communication, and consent, and you'll be well on your way to creating beautiful and meaningful shibari experiences.

Anxious Attachment in Romantic Relationships

It’s been twenty minutes; why hasn’t your partner responded to your text?  You take it upon yourself to frantically catalogue every scenario which could conceivably explain why they have chosen to abandon you. Are they bored of you? They do seem to get along so effortlessly with their work friend; it’s never like that with you. Maybe being with you just demands too much time and attention.

Whatever the details may be, one thing is certain: your relationship is over. You are alone. Of course it would come to this. You begin to plot the perfect revenge, but before long your phone lights up and your partner apologizes for the delay, explaining that their meeting ran long.

If this experience, or one like it, is quite familiar to you, you may have an anxious attachment style.

What’s an attachment style?

According to psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, attachment styles begin to develop the second we’re born. How a caregiver responds to an infant plays a role in forming the way the infant will perceive close relationships. As children, we’re dependent on our caregivers to comfort us and to meet our physical and emotional needs. Parents who are sensitive and responsive to those needs teach their children that they can rely on others. When a child grows up with a caregiver who is attuned to their needs (even when these needs are not expressed), they’re likely to be “securely attached.”  

Bowlby believes a secure child can carry this confidence into their adulthood and future romantic relationships. This attachment style can also be shaped as an adult by experiences in social and romantic relationships. Securely attached folks are comfortable both relying on and being relied upon by their partner. They’re comfortable being on their own; they don’t depend on their partner’s response or approval in order to have a positive self-image. They also tend to view sex and emotional intimacy as the same, and don’t feel the need to create distance by separating the two.

Conversely, misattunement from a caregiver can lead to an insecure attachment. The two main insecure attachment styles are avoidant and anxious.     

What’s an avoidant attachment?

Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to view themselves as independent “lone wolves.”  They don’t like depending on others or having others depend on them.

As an adult, avoidant attachment can show up as:

• Pulling away from a relationship when things are going well

• Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is in a monogamous marriage

• Avoiding physical closeness

• Pining after an ex-partner

What is anxious attachment?

People with an anxious attachment style often feel insecure and their relationships consume a large part of their emotional energy. As children, they may have clung to caregivers or became inconsolable when a caregiver left.

As an adult, anxious attachment can show up as:

• Difficulty trusting partners

• Low self-worth

• Frequent worry that a partner will abandon you

• Sensitivity to small changes in a partner’s mood and behavior 

Can you change your attachment style?

Fortunately, there are things you can do to develop more secure attachments and healthier relationship dynamics.  It may require substantial effort and self-examination, but you’ve got this! 

Here are some steps you can take:

• Find a therapist with expertise in attachment theory

• Seek a partner with a secure attachment who can provide you with patience and support, and in time can help you overcome your insecure impulses

• Use mindfulness and other coping skills to help regulate your emotions and respond differently

If you’d like to talk about the anxiety you feel in relationships, reach and let’s start the conversation.

Navigating the Landscape of OCD: Understanding Its Diverse Manifestations

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a multifaceted condition that manifests in various ways, often presenting unique challenges to those affected. Let's explore some of the lesser-known subtypes of OCD, shedding light on their intricacies and offering insights into effective coping strategies.

Relationship OCD (ROCD)

Ah, the rollercoaster of love, where every "I love you" comes with a side of doubt and analysis paralysis. For those with ROCD, navigating the romantic landscape can feel like tiptoeing through a minefield of uncertainty. From constantly wondering if your partner is smart or funny enough to analyzing how much you enjoyed each kiss, the fear of uncertainty can cast a shadow over any romantic relationship. 

People struggling with ROCD may constantly question the authenticity of their feelings, analyze every interaction for hidden meanings, or seek reassurance from their partner excessively. This relentless scrutiny can strain even the strongest of relationships as the individual grapples with doubts and insecurities. 

Coping Tip: Having a negative thought about a partner doesn’t mean you have to act on the thought to resolve or avoid feelings of uncertainty. Work on gradually confronting and tolerating feelings of discomfort to make the negative thoughts of self-doubt, insecurity or uncertainty less relevant.

Violent/Harm Obsessions

Ever catch yourself imagining tripping an unsuspecting stranger or pushing a colleague down the stairs? Welcome to the wild and wacky world of violent/harm obsessions, where intrusive thoughts run wild like unruly toddlers at a playground. Despite their terrifying nature, these thoughts are harmless, and surprise: everyone has them!

Intrusive thoughts of violence or harm can be distressing for individuals with OCD, triggering intense feelings of guilt, shame, and fear. Despite knowing these thoughts are irrational, they struggle to shake the relentless onslaught of disturbing imagery or impulses. This subtype often leads to avoidance behaviors and social isolation as individuals strive to protect themselves and others from perceived harm. 

Coping Tip: Practice radical acceptance of your thoughts. Remember, thoughts are just thoughts, and they don't define who you are. Work on develop coping strategies and embracing the absurdity of intrusive thoughts with a healthy dose of humor.

“Just Right” OCD

Imagine a world where everything must feel "just right" to alleviate anxiety. Individuals with Just Right OCD experience intense discomfort when things feel off-balance or incomplete. They may engage in repetitive actions, such as adjusting objects or repeating behaviors until they achieve a sense of perfection. This quest for equilibrium can consume significant time and energy, often interfering with daily functioning.

Coping Tip: Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques, such as exposure and response prevention (ERP), can help individuals gradually confront and tolerate feelings of discomfort associated with imperfection.

Urge to Confess

Ever had the urge to confess that you accidentally used your roommate's toothbrush once? Yeah, that's the urge to confess in action. For individuals with this subtype, the line between harmless secret and impending moral crisis blurs into a messy tangle of guilt and anxiety. 

The urge to confess is a common manifestation of OCD, characterized by an overwhelming compulsion to divulge thoughts, feelings, or actions deemed unacceptable or morally wrong. Individuals may feel compelled to confess even minor transgressions, fearing the consequences of withholding information. This perpetual need for absolution can lead to strained relationships and heightened anxiety. 

Coping Tip: Practice discernment when it comes to confession. Not every thought or action requires a public airing. Challenge yourself to sit with discomfort and trust that not every secret is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. Work with a therapist to help challenge the urge to confess and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Understanding these subtypes is crucial for providing effective support and treatment for individuals with OCD. If you or someone you know is struggling with OCD, don't hesitate to reach out for help. As an OCD psychologist, I'm here to provide compassionate guidance and support on your journey towards healing and recovery.