Navigating Gottman's Four Horsemen

Relationships can be tricky, and sometimes, we unknowingly adopt behaviors that harm our connection with our partners. Dr. John Gottman identified four such behaviors, aptly named the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Understanding these behaviors and learning how to counteract them can make a world of difference in your relationship. Let’s dive in!

1. Criticism

What It Is:

Criticism involves attacking your partner's character instead of focusing on specific issues. This often starts with phrases like "You always" or "You never," making your partner feel attacked.

Example:

"You're so lazy! You never help around the house."

Impact:

Repeated criticism can chip away at your partner's self-esteem and foster resentment.

Counteract Criticism:

• Use "I" Statements: Express your feelings without blame. Try, "I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy. Can we tackle it together?"

2. Contempt

What It Is:

Contempt is the nastiest of the Four Horsemen. It involves belittling your partner through sarcasm, mockery, or hostile humor.

Example:

"Oh, you're tired? Try doing what I do every day. You're pathetic."

Impact:

Contempt erodes respect and is a strong predictor of relationship breakdown.

Counteract Contempt:

• Build a Culture of Appreciation: Regularly express gratitude and focus on positive interactions.

3. Defensiveness

What It Is:

Defensiveness involves denying responsibility and making excuses when faced with criticism.

Example:

"Why are you mad at me for being late? You didn’t remind me about the time!"

Impact:

Defensiveness blocks effective communication and keeps conflicts unresolved.

Counteract Defensiveness:

• Take Responsibility: Accept your part in the issue. For example, "You're right, I should have managed my time better."

4. Stonewalling

What It Is:

Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws and stops responding, often due to feeling overwhelmed.

Example:

During an argument, one partner suddenly goes silent and refuses to engage.

Impact:

Stonewalling creates emotional distance and prevents resolution.

Counteract Stonewalling:

• Practice Self-Soothing: Take a break to calm down. Let your partner know you need a moment: "I need a few minutes to cool down. Let’s talk in 20 minutes."

Recognizing and addressing the Four Horsemen can transform your relationship. By replacing criticism with constructive feedback, contempt with appreciation, defensiveness with accountability, and stonewalling with self-soothing, you can build a stronger, more resilient connection.

If you notice these behaviors in your relationship, therapy can provide the support and tools needed to overcome them.